changes...

life is full of changes. some are more challenging than others and i never seem to be prepared for what comes next. i am wanting to be more deliberate in how i go about living my life. i want to always becoming the woman God created me to be. i have learned so much about myself in the last several years and i want to begin putting more of it into practice. i think i'd like to move a little bit further away from that internal examination and contemplation and move a little closer to action and trying new things to see what happens. that involves a great deal of risk, i know. and yet i am not terrified. a little apprehensive about some of it, but not terrified like i would have been in previous years. perhaps 2008 really was the year of conquered fear. one of the things i recognize as necessary to moving forward is being more vulnerable with key people. this is perhaps the riskiest move of all because the more vulnerable i become, the more likely i am to be hurt. and hurt is a big part of how i ended up in such a mess in the first place. odd, but i didn't think i'd ever be deliberately moving toward something i knew would bring pain with a slight feeling of excitement at the same time...

childlike...

i've been acting so childish lately while completely avoiding dealing with real stuff. i want to be a healthy person - i really do. i'm learning that being childlike is harder than i expected. it requires so much more vulnerability so much more trust of others. it's a constant battle to keep going in spite of the pain it creates/causes. i do believe it is worth the effort. somehow i lose sight of that when the pain gets so intense and the enemy is shouting his lies at me and whispering them too and i am surrounded. i hope that someday my first impulse will be to look up instead of look around - only then will i see God looking down at me and telling me it will be okay

anger takes over...

dealing with some deep anger feelings lately. okay, not dealing with them so much as experiencing these deep, deep feelings of anger. kinda know what they are about - or at least i know part of why i am so angry. what i'm not sure of is why now and what i'm going to do about it. based on some recent knowledge i received, i think that one of the ways to deal with it is to hold on to those feelings long enough for God to come in and work with them. my hesitancy to do that is because i don't like being angry - my anger creates fear within me as well and i don't react well when i'm experiencing fear. i may not turn green and become the hulk, but i am not nice when i am angry. i don't like me when i'm angry and i don't want others to have to experience that if i can prevent it.

i know these "current" anger feelings are connected to feelings of abandonment and my abandonment issues are ongoing. i sometimes joke that my abandonment issues will go away when people stop going away - but they don't. people continue to come and go and the sense of abandonment doesn't seem to lessen.

it's one thing when i feel abandoned because someone has physically removed themselves from my life. that hurts, but eventually i get used to it. the harder one for me is when someone is still present physically but has left emotionally. that one is like being stabbed and having the knife twisted every time i have to be around them. i've not yet learned how to deal with this in anything resembling a healthy way at all.

i know that God will eventually work in me to overcome this. i know this but i'm still stuck in my anger for now. i am exhausted from holding back the physical manifestations of my anger - keeping the physical expression of my anger in check so i don't hurt anyone. i find it takes almost all my energy some days just to avoid lashing out physically at people - i have nothing left with which to fight the actual emotions. and then someone will scold me for not having a better handle on my feelings and i want to scream "i'm doing the best that i can!" but to let out a scream might crack the dam holding back everything else and that could be catastrophic.

i know the anger is a secondary emotion and that if i could take care of the underlying stuff, the anger would not be so much of an issue for me. easier said than done and i find myself in a viscious cycle of emotions i can't control and no one safe enough to vent with. sometimes i think i want to be alone with one very trusted person in a soundproof, padded room where i can scream and cry and kick the floor and punch the walls and let all my emotions have free reign physically and have that trusted person see this and understand (while staying out of the way so they are still safe) that it is not about them so they don't have to defend themselves or try to "fix" me but can just be there so i'm not alone and when i've spent myself physically that person could hold me and remind me that God has not left me to figure this all out on my own and that God is still bigger than anything else and i am still valuable and loved. that person would basically be God's hands and voice for me in a tangible way helping me to re-establish a connection.

most of the time words on a page are simply not enough...